"Don't Feel Like Fighting"

This week, Chad and Fallon from the Finding Us duo give listeners a more in-depth insight into their new album, The Story of Us, by diving into the first song “Don’t Feel Like Fighting.” The 12-step recovering couple puts their money where their "let's get vulnerable" mouths are by sharing greater detail about the highs and lows of their marital journey. 

Transcript

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Chad 0:08

Hello.

Fallon 0:11

We are back. We're back. We said we'd be back and we're back. I was going to make a Terminator. Yeah, it kind of was too for a second. And then I thought it'd be back. We'll be back.

Chad 0:23

Anyways. Wow, that's a great start to this episode. I am Chad, this is my lovely wife, Fallon . And we said that we would be back or back, so two episodes rolled away. Yep . Um, so today what we're going to be doing and talking about and digging into the topic of this episode is, so we are, we release a new album, which some of you may or may not know or it may be out yet, may not be May 8th is when it releases. So if it's past May 8th, it's out. Go get it. If it's not, you gotta wait, you gotta wait. Um, so we've got an album coming out called the story of us. We are finding us by the way. And , um , and , uh , so every song on the album we put on there for a purpose. Every song relates to us in some way, either individually or as a couple or as a married couple in some way it relates to us or we think it is a really great message that just needs to be put out there.

Speaker 3 1:30

Um , they're not necessarily, a lot of times, you know, in the cup of world of covers, you , um, you purposely will do stuff that you think has the most viral potential, you know, or that , um, or yeah, or , uh, or that you , you know, that's a popular song right now or whatever. You know, we've been, I've been doing this for a long time and that's, that's what we've been doing and we'll still do more of those. We'll still do songs that we just really like and that we think are just fun to sing. But yeah , for the most part , um, we, this album represents everything that us as a duo are about and what we want to get out there. And it's also what this podcast is about is to be able to talk about this stuff and actually dive into why we picked these songs. So on that note, yeah, the next 12 episodes from here on out 11 episodes, cause there's a song on the album that's kind of a bonus song, but so are the next 11 episodes. We are going to take each episode and dig into each song and just talk about the meaning of it, talk about why we chose it, talk about how it impacts our life and then just talk about the message it brings in general and just the stuff that we've learned in our own lives and work and all that applies. So we will later in this episode we will dig into track one from our album called, I don't feel like fighting. Don't feel like, no, I don't feel like fighting. That's a good start . Yeah. So it's track one of the album don't,

Speaker 4 3:02

I don't feel like fine.

Speaker 5 3:16

[inaudible]

Speaker 3 3:16

I can't tell you how many times I was real high when I was like submitting the song and whatnot . A lot of those, like we'll let you go. I won't, I won't, I won't. I will. I shall not all this stuff. We don't have it . I shall not, this isn't a handout on this album. Um, no shouts . Um, so anyways, we're going to get into that and I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be awesome. But first , um, let's do a little update, you know, let's update online, kind of what we've been up to this week. Um, on our first episode, we of course caught them all up into like finding us as world and , um , just kind of a general, like, this is what we're about to what we're doing, this is what we've been up to. And so , um, what have you been up to this week, just personally as finding us the band? What have you been up to?

Speaker 4 4:11

So finding us, the band, the duo, the us , um, we filmed, so this week we filmed four videos, which was my first time doing more than one video on the same day. And yeah, so that's really fun. Um, exhausting. Like, let's be honest, it was brutal. My back was hurting. I mean, I was just exhausted. My legs were hurting my eyelashes. I was, I was ready to rip them off. I was so sad .

Speaker 3 4:52

My Fallon oftentimes wonder is when I come home from Anthem light shoots where we shoot five, six videos sometimes in a day. And what she wonders, like what's so exhausting about that?

Speaker 4 5:03

Yup . Oh my gosh. I lived it. I breathed it. It is exhausting .

Speaker 3 5:09

It doesn't help that because of the quarantine, we weren't able to do what we normally do, which is like book a book shoot location where we just shoot all our videos in different spots and not a location because everything's closed. So we had to, we had to improvise. And so we basically did a lot of outdoor shoots. So we just found pretty locations around our neighborhood and our neighborhood and just, just went and found spots, you know. And um , and uh , you know, all the wind, it was a windy day. It was beautiful day, but so windy . So trying to shoot videos where you want your hair to not be here

Speaker 4 5:43

in your face. There was one that y'all see, it was down by a Lake, I think it was homecoming queen. I was seriously so irritated. I was like, if this wind blows one more time, if I get one more thing in my, I mean we had to keep most of the shots because my hair was just like all in my face anyways. We can talk about that another time. But that's what we were up to this week and it was really fun. Really exhausted. I just wanted like after we were done, we finished at like seven 45 or eight. I just wanted some taco bell. Like I just wanted some celebratory favorites . My GoTo anyways . Yes. Exhausting. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus the whole next day anyway . So personally what I've been up to, other than that , um, I've been studying for some pretty big exams that you have to take before you can graduate

Speaker 3 6:37

except for those who don't know.

Speaker 4 6:38

Oh yes, I am getting, yeah, I'm getting a master's in marriage and family therapy and I'm , I'm at the tail end. I'm very excited. Um, but yeah, that means you have to take all of the really big important exams and you have to pass so you can graduate and you have to pass your exams in your state. Um, so that I can practice and I can obtain licensure and it's a whole thing. But I've been studying for that and it's been really good. It, it's exhausting. I mean, they say like to study in 20 minute increments and I haven't really been doing that. I tend to procrastinate sometimes. And so I've been doing it in like five to six hour like sits and my brain, I just feel like I have a rock in my mind. I mean , it's just, yeah, it's a lot of information, great information, but a lot of,

Speaker 3 7:35

so this is going to be a six hour episode and you're going to fill us in on all the deets . Just kidding. Well that's awesome. That's fun. Yeah. So for me it's been a crazy busy week. I mean, despite the quarantine, I've actually been busier with the quarantine than not. Um , basically like, you know, Anthem lights , um, has had a pause, a lot of the stuff due to, you know , um, the , the virus and having to be quarantined and um, it's just a lot of people that get together. I'm including all the other people involved and we do shoots and recording and whatnot. We don't want to be cramped in a little studio together, all four of us. So without all the Anthem might stuff going on. Um, I've been able to focus, I've just been solely focusing on solo music and um, finding us stuff. You know, it's been a great time to launch a whole new brand. Let me tell you , because I've just been locked in my office and in the studio and are in my house and I've just been , um , just working at trying to get this stuff out. Who knew launching a whole new brand would be so much work. Most people are like, yeah, duh. But it's a lot.

Speaker 4 8:46

But a lot of people don't, a lot of people, I mean for me, I definitely didn't know how much work it was going to take.

Speaker 3 8:52

It's crazy. Anyways, it's got a deadline. I got two days to get everything done. Uh , three days anyways. Um, a lot more to do any who . So yeah, my, my week and a couple of weeks have been pretty much finding us stuff, you know , um, after we recorded and finished the album, it was just been, it's just been trying to get this launch together and get all the, all the artworks, all the website or a social media sites created. Um, I mean it's just been , uh , get this album, get a physical album created. Um, get everything submitted to all the platforms, you know, and make sure it's going to be released at the right time. And, and then this podcast of course is a whole thing on itself. So it's been a , it's been a ,

Fallon 9:36

I legitimately don't know how you could have been doing your normal schedule, like with Anthem lights and doing, I mean really it would have been pushed back, pushed back. Yeah . We just would have been another couple months out probably releasing everything. So thankful to be able to dive into this and go forward . Full for work is done. I know this brand is released and everything is out. We are going on a trip. I don't Corona or not, I don't care. Let's do it. Where are we going? We're not getting in a plane. Where are we driving to? I don't know what's open. I want to go to a beach back . Yes, they opened last weekend. Actually. Maybe we'll go to the beach and stay 50 feet away from them . And I do want to say I am thankful for even being busy. I think a lot of people, you know, like they've lost their jobs because of the Corona stuff. I mean, and that's really is devastating. It's really sad. And so I am, I want , I do want to speak that out. I'm very thankful that we have things going on during this time.

Speaker 3 10:38

Absolutely . We're all internet based. You know, our music is internet based . We do some shows. Uh , we haven't done these shows as a couple yet, but with Anthem lights we , um, you know, we've had some shows canceled, but we , uh , don't rely on touring. We don't tour necessarily like a lot of bands do. And so a lot of bands have been hurt by this because of , um, towards gonna cancel and then they depended on it. So very grateful to them not having depended on a tour and not having been on a tour like scheduled or anything like that. Um, so we've just been working, doing more, a lot of

Fallon 11:08

right. And it's, and it goes beyond the artists even being affected. It's everybody that is working the tour that is, I mean, behind the scenes, the people that you don't see, I mean, it's, it's devastating.

Speaker 3 11:22

But , um, anyhow, so , uh, yeah, I mean, we could do a whole episode about , uh, the quarantine and our thoughts on, on, on what's been going on in the world right now with the virus and all that stuff, which , uh , I mean, it's crazy. It's just, you hear literally, I've never heard more conflicting information about something in my life. And it's hard, you know, all I know is a lot of people , uh , there's , you see a lot of people's control coming out, you know what I mean? And it can be the extreme of either, it can be, this is nothing, screw this. Like, this is overblown. I don't , I'm not changing a thing or changing anything about my life. That's one extreme. The other extreme is I'm not going to see anybody. I'm not going to step outside of my house. Like nothing will come in without me cleaning it. Like, you know, and then there's that extreme and then there's buying all the toilet paper, which still trying to understand, but yeah.

Speaker 4 12:18

Yeah. I mean, I could , I think

Speaker 3 12:21

I'm going to start a go fund me for toilet paper. So if you want to send this toilet paper,

Fallon 12:25

that's really funny.

Speaker 4 12:27

Yeah, I was just gonna say, I mean, even the feelings that come up around Corona, like there's, like I said on the first episode, like there's no right way to feel, especially during this time. And I know for me, like there's been some serious anxiety , uh , some serious fear. Um , I'm so thankful that I'm in a recovery program because I'm able to speak those things out. And also , um, in doing step work, I feel like I've already gotten a grasp on my powerlessness and my control. And so I feel like I have a leg up on like before this was happening. Um, but I can not imagine being, you know, going through what our nation are globally, what we're going through and not having a program to really get out, connect to right . Get out these feelings that I'm feeling in the fear. I mean the OCD is real. Yes. Like full honesty. I've been that person that has like disinfected my groceries. I mean like each item because,

Speaker 3 13:30

and I looked at her and kind of giggle,

Speaker 4 13:31

right? And we're handling this so differently, which is, I mean ,

Fallon 13:35

I'm so glad I have recovery people because knowing this so differently ,

Speaker 4 13:40

um, yeah, through the weeks it has been more of a chat . I've been challenging myself and like, okay, maybe I'm not going to wipe down that item or this cluster of items and it's going to be okay. And so I'm aware and I'm trying to keep it in check, but it is that control piece comes out and it's when you don't feel, when you're, when you're bumping up against your powerlessness and you really see, I do not have control over anything, even though, I mean, right. That's what we do. We think that we do, and our own, at least for me and my own universe, I think that I have control and bam, life will smack you upside the face,

Speaker 3 14:19

quarantining the disease, you know, nothing. Right ,

Fallon 14:20

right. Which is scary and right. The numbers are crazy and everybody's dying and then they're not. And I mean, it's just, I'm like getting hot, like, yeah. Anyways, so, yeah.

Speaker 3 14:33

Yeah. For me it's been , um , like as she said, we've been handling it very differently, but she, you know, my wife has been working her program around making calls whenever she feels that anxiety around it and people to talk her off the ledge, cause I can , I can't talk her off a ledge, you know. Um, but you know, I've , uh, I've sat in it with you and listened to your feelings around that . Let you stay in your lane and you know, and worked your programmers . We're actually gonna talk a little bit about that later. But that's the song . Yeah. So, yeah, for me, I've just, I've been in a , uh , I'm always, I'm always, my personality is kind of, it is what it is kind of person. You know what I mean? Like, I don't , uh , insist , especially in situations like this where our key can't control and, you know, and also like, I, I've just come to a place I have never, again , I've never heard more conflicting information about something in my life. I mean, I hear from one person is just like giving these hard facts that they just believe are facts that they've read one from a source and even if it's a reliable source, because there's a lot of reliable sources that are completely contradicting a lot of them. Um , and so it's just, and then I, you know, and then so I'll get that in my head and be like, yeah, you know, that's, I'm on board with that. And then I'll hear something else the next day from someone else, from another reliable source or something I read or, and I'm just like, that's completely opposite. And it's been like that the whole time. And so I've just been a , it is what it is. Like , um, I've , uh, you know, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna , I don't, cause I don't, I'm not personally scared of for myself, for if I get it, what would happen to me or my people closest to me. But I do know enough people who have relatives, direct relatives who live in their house, a daughter, son , whatever, who, who, yeah . Who have, who have somebody who is at high risk and, or even an elderly. Like, I care about the elderly. I care about my, my Grammy, you know, my grandma. Um, I don't want, you know, I'm not , so I want to do my part, like if the country's telling me that I need to stay in, I'm going to do it, you know what I mean? Just I'm not going to act like I know better than in , you know, whether they're right or wrong or the reasons are right or wrong. That's what they're asking us to do that. So that's where I'm at. So I'm doing that. And so when I go out and stuff, I don't wear a mask like my wife does. Um, but , uh, you know, I will wear the gloves and I'll make sure I wash my hands a lot. Like I'm not trying to get the thing even , you know, and I'm not trying not to, I'm trying not to spread it and trying to do my part . So that's kind of where I'm at. But I'm, I'm in an end , it is what it is, situation and ready for this quarantine and I'm ready to be around people, especially program member men, like , uh , talking on the phone is one thing. Seeing their faces through zoom, which I don't even know if zoom was a thing until this thing, by the way. Um , and it's incredible. They are thriving, let me tell you . Um, and uh, yeah. And so I just , um, I miss being able to connect, you know, I talked to him that first episode, how connection is different. Me I've just learned has just, is like, is everything for me. Everything about my, my , um, my mental health has everything to do with if I'm connecting with other men or not. Like if I, cause the first thing I do and I don't, and that's been the hardest struggle for me in this quarantine is, is , um , I'm ha I have to isolate. Like I'm not given, I don't have a choice. Like I'm , I have to do the thing that I have gone to when I'm not in health and in a good place my whole life. And I have to, I have to stay home. I can't be with men, I can't interact with men. I can't hug a guy or talk to a guy face to face, you know? And so it's just a, that's been a challenge. Just trying to , trying to push through something that I'm literally being forced to isolate, you know? And even the phone calls are great. Face to face time on zoom and whatnot are great, but it's just not the same, you know, it's just not the same.

Speaker 4 18:24

Yeah. So I think I've told like several friends, like, I'm going to hug you like a lot tighter and for a lot longer when I see you like the next time because I just want to like hug.

Speaker 3 18:35

Hey , let's talk. Let's talk about the awkwardness of when you do see like, especially when this thing was first starting and they weren't telling people to stay inside yet, but people also weren't touching each other. Like I realized that I have no idea what to do if I can't shake someone's hand. Right . If I see a guy I know or meet someone, like I'm just kinda like, eh , uh, which is so elbow . Like I don't, I don't, I don't know what to do with my hands. And it's, yeah ,

Speaker 4 18:58

it's societal conditioning. Like we've been, we've been trained, like that's how you greet. And so then when you start doing things a different way, it's like,

Speaker 3 19:06

and I feel like when this thing's done, I'm going to automatically, it'd be like all awkward now, but , but we know I can check , I can shake hands. I'm going to do that anyways. So we again, we could do a whole episode on ,

Speaker 4 19:15

I'm glad we talked about that though. That is a part of our weeks right now. I mean we're in week six maybe,

Speaker 6 19:23

you know, by this point and it's, I , it has completely changed life as we know. It's true.

Speaker 3 19:38

Um, so typically what we would like to do going forward in this podcast is every episode maybe or every other episode, it just depends on the amount that are coming in. We would like to do is just a little Q and a thing. You know, before we get into our section, like we want to hear from you guys. Um, we want to hear , uh, we want, we want questions, you know, we want tough questions like push us, make us, you know. Yeah . Um, and you know, if it's too tough we just won't read it or

Speaker 4 20:06

no, or we'll just say, Hey, this was a great question. We don't know. Can you help us out?

Speaker 3 20:13

Yeah. So , um , all that to say, if you have a question for us of any kind, it could be about music, it can be about the stuff, the topics we're talking about. Anything. Um, send those questions preferably by an audio message. Like you can send a voice memo and put it in an email and send it to finding us podcast@gmaildotcomfindinguspodcastatgmail.com and , uh , if you can't do the voice memo thing, cause if you do the voice memo, we will play it on the show and answer it, you know, so everyone can hear your pretty voice and answer that question. And , um , if you can't do that, then type it out, you know , but we would love to hear from you. We'd love to get some questions. So I wanted to mention that I a before again, before we get into the , the nitty gritty on the song and the topic today. Um, deep stuff. Uh, I don't want it to be all deep stuff. So let's do something fun. Tell everybody, give everyone out there one hobby or thing or just thing that you love to do that maybe people don't probably don't know about or just something that ,

Speaker 4 21:26

um, I'm going to go with something I love, not even to do to something I love. Um, I am seriously like borderline borderline. I may have a problem. Um, I seriously love some Rose gold. Anything Rose gold I, I'm purchasing, I um, have already purchased or I will purchase. I love Rose gold. My computer is Rose gold. Um, I have Rose gold in my wedding band. Um, I have a Rose gold Apple watch and band and I just

Fallon 22:02

should tell them when you first got to tell them why the Rose gold thing started. Okay , that's true. Um, RO my obsession with Rose gold really started at Disney. Love me some Disney world, Disney fans. We are. And we went in 2017. I went for my first time to our best friends that and Blair arcane took us with them. Yeah.

Speaker 3 22:26

Hi . So before you get into, I grew up, sorry, I know I'm going to , she just gave me a look like they really are stopping me. I grew up three hours from Disney and I, when I, when they talked about taking a trip to Disney, which they do every year, all the time at easy numbers . I was just like, okay, that'd be fun because I'm going with my friends but this doesn't sound, this isn't, this isn't, this isn't gonna be great. And they're like, Oh just wait, we'll do it. Adult style. And we did like they, I walked away from that by the end of the week I was frolicking through magic kingdom with a star Wars Mickey ear .

Fallon 23:01

Yeah, like R2D2 years. You were R2D2 and I was BBA and I just, it was amazing. I was wearing a Fanny pack probably by then I call it Mick fanning , like a shirt, a Disney shirt,

Speaker 3 23:13

like a little child. And I just did not care. And it was really the first time my inner child came out, which is in a long time, which is really cool. We'll talk more about that name. Anyways , just wanted to throw that little bomb out there for my love for Disney. Hopefully they don't take this down cause we're saying Disney. Go ahead . Gosh ,

Fallon 23:29

hopefully not. Um, so that's when, yeah, my obsession for Rose gold started was in 2017 when we went with Matt and Blair and I think the Rose gold Minnie ears had just come out around that time. And so it was like a thing. Blair and I were like stopping people who , who

Speaker 4 23:46

were wearing them were like, where did you get those? We ran all over the parks. They were sold out, had to order them. I ordered mine off Amazon, so finally got mine in . And that was really the start of my Rose gold obsession. All that to say, I just ordered some, I don't even know how to explain it, but they are um, like tennis shoes, but they're really comfy I think. And they are Rose gold glitter, like completely covered in Rose gold glitter except the bottom, which is white. So they kind of look like Adidas, but they're covered in Rose gold glitter. I'm, I will be wearing those. Um , next Disney trip. I am so excited. Oh well I could like put my foot up here and like, I totally could. That's a great idea. Anyways, I love Rose gold and it's that, it sounds shallow, but really it, it's something deep for me. Like when I see the color Rose gold, it sparks so much joy for me and they're , they're little reminders. Anytime I see anything Rose gold that I own, they're little reminders of just love. And I mean, I could really pick an item and give it meaning, whatever meaning I want. Like I remember like, people love you, my program people love me and they're supporting or whatever, you know? And I just, I really, I really love Rose gold. It just makes me really happy and I think that's so important to have.

Speaker 3 25:16

So it's probably the longest amount of time anybody in the history has talked about that love for Rose gold. I mean, I didn't help that by throwing it away .

Speaker 4 25:24

I didn't even talk about all my Rose gold earrings or my Rose gold nail Polish. Okay . I'm sure there is some other ladies out there who are on the Rose gold tree , right ?

Fallon 25:36

Kid. I need some like Rose gold, like eye shadow . That's fancy. Okay. Can't see your turn Mark on the top of that. Or will I? Oh, I mean I got to talk about my biggest hobby. So I am a child so y'all know

Speaker 4 25:54

he's a seven on the Enneagram. I'm a four. He's a seven.

Speaker 3 25:58

So childlike enthusiasm. What I do so and the hobbies, seven star , you know, have all the hobbies in the world and I have a lot of hobbies, so much so that I have to narrow them down because I just keep wanting new hobbies and doing new things. So , uh , Lego

Fallon 26:17

hi.

Speaker 3 26:18

Not Leggo my Eggo. Not within it . No, not with that . S which I recently learned through watching Lego masters that it's not, it's not Legos ever. It's just Lego all the time. I was just like,

Fallon 26:33

he watches like heck yeah , it was the best show in the world. It's a very good show.

Speaker 3 26:39

Um, let go. Uh, I, this room, which maybe day we'll do a podcast and I'll like put my big Mullain shotgun , like just sitting here or something. Anyways, I have a , a lot of the big star Wars sets. Um, I got the , uh, the, the really huge biggest set, like I was ever made. Lame Falcon. It's on a shelf over there in the room. Uh, I got a lot of, a lot. I got the Harry Potter castle, I got the Disney castle. I got a lot of stuff, a lot of random stuff. Right now I'm building , um , that Jurassic park , um, like the T Rex, which is huge. And the , the Gates and it fits . And then I just, for my birthday, I just got the , um, uh, what's it called? [inaudible] star to shore . I keep wanting to call it the death star every time. So when I think that star , I'm like, no , that's not right. And then I can't remember what the name of his Imperial star destroyer is and that's huge as well. And I can't, it's going to take me months to put together and I can't wait. And so I'm a big Lego nerd. It's also, it's very, it's a really meditative kind of thing for me. I don't meditate, meditate the word for it, but , um, it's a very, you know, get away from screens and uh, just be able to focus on something because my add penis can be everywhere all the time and just my brain can't shut off. And so it takes me to stuff like that to be able to focus on something very simple but really fun to kind of tune it in. So it's kind of comes therapeutic to me is the word I'm looking for. Great . I like that. So we're going to take a quick break and then state into the song and the nitty gritty and we're back on finding us the podcast, which hadn't fallen . I always forget the chat and frown part . Um, all right , so we, like I said earlier, we're going to be doing episode by episode going from here forward. We're going to talk about each song on the album, on the story of us album that we have just put out or about to put out May 8th. And we're going to dig into a lot of details about it, about why we chose the song, because every song we chose is personal to us and relates to us in some way or it's just a super meaningful, we just want this message to get put out there kind of song. And um, we thought the podcast would be great to do around that. And so we can actually spend a lot of time digging in each thing. So song one, track one is called don't feel like fighting it is by an artist Sarah reaps who just put this out not very long ago. Uh , in fact, we were nearing the end of our album and we were, you know, these songs are tough to find by the way. Like trying to find like there's a lot of really great meaningful songs out there, but it was really hard obviously for the criteria we have on a meaning being meaningful to us. Um, we were very picky about it. So this song came out and I remember just , uh , we needed like two more songs. Um, we were trying to figure out two more songs in the album and this song came up on my Spotify as a new song was just released and I was just, I heard it one time and I was like, I ran in the house, like, we're doing this, it's happening, so I don't care what you're saying, this is happening . So we chose this song based around that. The meaning of it we just thought is super vulnerable. Like she's literally talking about fighting, you know what I mean? Like it's just like, wow, that's really cool or really great and we're going to dig into a lot more with that in a second. Um , use the music side of things. Um, I want to also, and all this stuff, briefly touch on the music part of the process, you know , um, musically , uh, the whole album was produced and mixed by Matt R Caney . Um, also one of my closest friends , um, who the Disney, the male of the Disney couple. Yeah. So he's a Jack of all trades, you know, he's the guy that takes me to Disney and he produces my stuff. I mean, what more could you more, you know, what more could you want in a friend ? Am I right? Anyways, so he produced the mix , the album. And so he also produced a mix . This one , uh, Josiah Prince of disciple on the bed , Christian band, Christian rock band disciple did , uh, all the guitars and whatnot. And um, yeah, so I'm, first of all this , most of this album is done by Josiah's guitars and uh, and he did all the guitar tracks and did some of the arranging on the guitars. Basically. I extended to him and I'm like, get creative, do your thing. And he is the man. Like, he, I just love what he's done. It's one of the best musicians I've been around. So I did that all the vocal arranging, which this was a fun one. I like taking songs . I love taking songs that are meant for duet and uh , as a couple, you know , uh, for us and when it's a single artist who did the song originally, it's really fun to me to try to get creative when it comes to arranging vocals. Um, with, with two people in two parts. Um, and so I really enjoyed that. On this one. Uh, we chose the song a song number one, cause it's, it's the most energetic, upbeat tune on the album. Um, so I wanted that. I wanted the album to start off that way. And so , um, I , I give a lot of thought into the , um , process of an album from beginning to end when it comes to , uh, I don't just throw the songs on there and say whatever order order, you know, I just, I make, I try to make it an experience of some sort and there'd be a reason why each song is where. So this first song , um , is on there for that reason. It just felt like a really, really awesome , really cool opening vulnerable song. You know what I mean? Like we're just, we're literally being a raw about the fact that we fight a lot, you know what I mean? And, and we don't , you know, and how annoyed we are at fighting all the time or what, and didn't , uh , it was just kind of what the song is based around. So , um, yeah, I think that covers it off on the music side of things. Um, uh, you want to get into like the song lyrics or what do you want to get in ?

Speaker 4 32:49

Sure. I kind of want to speak into why we pick this song. Um, so really lyrically the, they , the lyrics speak for themselves like why we did the song. Um, each line is so very relatable to conflict into fighting and our story. Um, so it really resonated with us. I think that's why we both agreed, you know, almost instantly to do it. Um, I think that the song reflects the realness and the messiness of conflict. Um, it shows how we can , uh, and really I'll, I'll get more into this as we, I kind of broke it up by like verses and pre-chorus and chorus, but , um, I think there's some verbiage, some of the lyrics that are used, it kind of shows like who we were and how we danced all, which I'll explain that later. But how we , um, kind of our ritual inviting and how we were pre recovery and the things that we try not to do now because we're just aware of it. Um, yeah. So overall , um, really the song I really like don't feel like fighting. Like I think that we, I'll just speak for me, I think that I , um, got very tired of the way that we were , um, having arguments and it's, you know, having conflict and really it was, forget the content. I mean, it could be about cup, the laundry, I mean really anything. So content is one thing, the process, it's most of the time the same. And so I think that , um, that is what the song reflects is like, I don't want to do this process that we do anymore. Yeah. Because it's the same, like I said, forget the , I mean you could put in anything for content, but the processes , what needs to change. Um , and I think that is really over this past year, that's where I've gotten to the end of myself and like, okay , I can't expect you or whoever it is in conflict to change. I'm responsible for me and if I want this to be different, I've got to approach, I've got to manage myself in a different way. Um, yeah, so that's really important. Um, by the way, every person, like every relationship has that. It doesn't matter who it is. I mean, it could be, I mean, usually with the people that we live with or the people that we're in romantic relationships with, that's when it really comes out because we're, that's, there's intimacy and vulnerability and all of that's there. But this can, this can happen in families and family roles, family relationships. This can happen with friends and friendships. This can happen with coworkers. I mean, really it, you can apply this to any relationship I think. Um, so yeah, I think that now in recovery and lots of therapy, lots of counseling , um, we're learning a different way of doing things, which is really cool. Um, which I mean, honestly, it's felt very artificial, like the, what I'll get into later. But it's, there's, there's certain ways to manage conflict in a healthier, more functional way and not dysfunctional way. And it has felt artificial at first and very different. But, but the reason we're being trained really, and the reason we're doing this changing , um, is so that we can each feel heard, which is most important. That is key. Um, the other person feel, feels heard. Um, so we can create a safe space to share our true selves with one another without the fears that come up with that. Um, and it opens up the space for negotiation. Um, it'll , you know, all of those things are really important. And in my opinion , um, last little thing. I think that relationships are meant to have equal power. Each person is , is meant to hold equal power and it's not, you know , one person above another. And, and this process really creates the space , um, to be equals

Speaker 3 37:08

[inaudible] although , um, yeah equals in one sense. But I love also on that topic. The thing Bernay Brown says about how she says, she says, marriage a marriage being 50, 50, and equal is a whole bunch of crap. She says it's the biggest myth out there. She said , because so often , um , as a couple, like we're not both in a hundred percent great place all the time. In fact, more times than not, we're both not in a hundred percent place. We're both not showing up 50, 50, and creating this, you know, a hundred percent, very rare, super rare because of life, because of not only work, not only the stress of life. Um, but I mean, it goes, it goes into all of your dysfunctions, all of your stuff. It goes back to childhood. It goes back to just so much stuff that makes it very hard for you to show up at all. This is all on me. I'm in a great emotional state, emotional place. And so Bernie says, I'm like, it's so important where you start developing, you start developing this habit of, for instance, if I one day, you know, I have a day where I'm just, I'm , I'm spent, I'm emotionally spent because of something , uh , maybe in my own recovery, my own program. Maybe it's a conflict I had with somebody. Maybe I'm just physically just not feeling right. Whatever it is, you know, lack of sleep , it could be a thousand different things. But I , I come to you and I say , um, I really , um, I'm a 20, I'm a 20 today. Like I'm a 20. And so the last scale of 100 out of a scale of 100. And so then what happens is you could tell me like, okay, I got you. I'll be, I'll be the rest of it. I'll be 80, I'm 80 day, I'm feeling good. I'll be the rest. I'll be your 30 that you're missing, which is also rare and will be, and we can know that. So she'll help, she'll carry me. What do you need, you know, around this and I'll, I'll be there support, you know , help you and I'll, I'll get us to a hundred but then there'll be some could be days. It happens a lot where we're both like we're both at 20 , so we're about 15. We're like , we don't, a hundred percent doesn't get met. Right. And then we , uh, and then we have to make a plan around that. And then we have a plan where it's like, alright , you know , uh, let's , um, let's get in the car. Let's go to taco bell. Uh , let's just, we're not cooking. Let's just grab a meal. Let's just, let's, you know, let's put on a movie tonight because neither of us are in a place of connecting. Like, let's just chill and eat what we want and just make a plan around that, you know? And so, anyways, I just , I think, I love that.

Fallon 39:53

I love it too. I remember listening to the first time she talked about that and it was, I was like, this is incredible. Like, we need to start implementing that because it's so great.

Speaker 3 40:04

Yeah. So , um, before you get more into this, I want to kind of talk a little bit about our history a little bit so people kind of can learn a little bit or get to know us a little bit more about , um, you know, so we've been married for, we're married for over six years. October , um , is when we got married. So it's been over six years. It'll be seven coming up.

Fallon 40:24

That's crazy. Wow. Holy moly. Time's gone by really quick. Woo . Time flies when you're having fun.

Speaker 3 40:32

I mean, October is still a little ways away it seems . I don't know. That'll get you here before you know it. Anyway , so six and a half years we've been married. Um, and let me tell you, when we got married, we didn't have a clue. And I know

Fallon 40:45

age , when I got married, I was 20. I had just turned 22 years old when we got married. I just turned 22 years old baby. I was a baby. I bet there's a lot of people that got married. Younger, I'm sure. But even, I mean, good guy . Yeah, for sure. And you were four years old in there . You were so sick . That was 26. Yeah. Yeah . Now I'm 33. You are 28. And so that's five years. I'm about to choose about to turn 29. So anyways,

Speaker 3 41:17

wait, hold on. Uh, anyways , um, so we got married and man , neither of us, neither of us had a clue. I mean, we didn't have a clue. We both were. We both brought so much dysfunction , baggage and baggage into our marriage. And in such extreme different ways is to like , uh , I mean like extreme extremes of the app , like RN health, which we were both in a straight on health when we went and got in our marriage. I mean, we didn't ,

Fallon 41:47

we didn't know this by the way, know we were like so in that, and nobody could tell us like, you know, we were just, you know,

Speaker 3 41:56

no, we were. Yeah. I mean, and I mean, just as an individual, no one knows that there's anything unhealthy about them until, you know, until like you hit rock bottom and you know, or you've dug in and you're trying to find awareness over it. Right . So, yeah. So if we, I mean, we went the first two years, I mean, we fought, talk about a song about fighting. We fought with the best of them. I mean, things were broken in our house at our apartment.

Fallon 42:19

Yes. Shocker . We've thrown things like things. I mean,

Speaker 3 42:25

yeah. I've never not been involved . There was never physical stuff with either . Yeah .

Fallon 42:30

Never violence disclaimer, ever abuse .

Speaker 3 42:34

There is no abuse. Um, but the walls and some things did get abused. Um ,

Fallon 42:41

I think I have broken any light kitchen like glass or anything, which I think a lot of people have.

Speaker 3 42:48

Yeah. Anyways. And so, and again, during that first two years, like we, there was no, like there was no counseling, there was no program, there was no thought of self-improvement . There was no thought of marriage conflict stuff. There's nothing like that.

Fallon 43:07

We were doing the best we could with what we had, which was not much. I mean, honestly.

Speaker 3 43:13

Yeah. And um, yeah. So yeah , let me fast forward. So about two, three, three years in our marriage , um, I've talked to, I've already mentioned, we've talked a lot about tall step programs, talked a lot. You know, I've mentioned a lot about addictions and whatnot. And I mean, first of all, I believe everybody has addiction. Some are small, some are big, some are small. And some of the bigger biggest addictions out there are the ones that people don't, you know, they don't view as addiction. It's like the addiction to , uh , your worldview. It's the scariest depiction of mine anyway. Not he just that, I mean there's, it's not even a narcissist thing, it's just in general. Anyways. Um, um , so , uh , addictions almost destroyed our marriage, you know , um , like literally our marriage was on the brink. Um, a bunch of stuff that my wife had no idea. Um, she knew about her husband just one day, just were uncovered and , um, just rocked our marriage and of course rocked her. And , um, and that's when recovery started sort of started. Um, I was, I let for years, even after, even after all this stuff, even after I having awareness and realization that okay, I made her maybe more, I may have a problem. Like, there may be some things that I need some help on, but what's funny now and the stage I'm in now, four or five years later , um, you know , uh , I , I look back and just like so many recovering addicts and people in these programs who have been in recovery for years smoke , most of us go through these phases of, of awareness first off awareness on the first thing of being like, okay, there might be something there. But then even after that, like the ego fights so hard, the ego would rather die than change. And the ego, like the false ego for me for years, like I would kind of do a little bit in recovery, but I was just unwilling to surrender, you know, what needed to be done. I was unwilling to surrender control. I knew best, you know, and I also was in denial about still about a lot of stuff. And um, and so it took a year before another more stuff like came out to my wife that she still didn't know about because I was still keeping a ton of secrets. And that , um, of course, again, rocked her world after about a year where it seemed like, you know, recovery was starting to happen. And of course , you know , she was only as aware as I was. We were still so early in this process. And , um, and so that rocked us again and there was just , uh, you know, and so it just, there's literally been like three different phases for me where I hit rock bottom, got some awareness, hit rock bottom. Okay. I'm gonna , I'm gonna work a little more, but I still wasn't in on my program. I still was the guy who as soon as a 12 step meeting would start, I would walk in as soon as the meeting started and as soon as the meeting ended, I bolt out the door because I just didn't want to talk to anyone and didn't want to be there. Like, I was still in that place for awhile . And then, and then shocker another, you know, relapse , uh, happen and we , um , were again on the brain , you know, and uh, and my wife , um, my wife through this process was you were kind of in the same boat, honestly, working a 12 step program , um, around wives who , um, may are married to an addict, you know, a recovery kind of program and uh, and , and you speak more into this later, but I know for you it seemed like over the past year after the last time that like I was fine , finally hit the phase of enough is enough. My way of doing things is not working. Like, and I , I mean, it's like ego. Finally. I've feel like, and I still have a long, long way to go, obviously. I mean, we're talking about a life of, of habits and a life of addictions where I needed , um, a , a life of this, that I'm trying to change and it's brutally hard. But the more I have surrendered to it and surrender to the program and connected with guys, the easier this has become. And it's like, and the healthier we are, the healthier I am with friends and with you and as a married couple and, and yeah. Anyhow , um, again, I'm getting into off topic a little bit. I'm just recovery all that to say , um, when it comes to our marriage , um, there's been a lot of phases of our marriage and our marriage has almost not made it. I mean, we've only been married for six and a half years into a lot. Most people probably listening who are married six and a half years is probably nothing. It's just like, Oh, they're children. Right. But man, we have been through a lot, like six years. This has felt like 20, you know, I mean, it's been, we've had some brutally difficult years as a married couple working through this stuff. But then it, you know, but through my stuff, my wife is also, and you can speak into a little more, has also had awareness over recovery that she's needed to do, you know? And , um, and so that we have, we have been through hell, we've been through fire.

Fallon 48:46

I just want to emphasize hell sweet . It really has the,

Speaker 3 48:51

and we haven't just been through it. We are still in it.

Fallon 48:56

Yes. And the grief, I mean the grief can be unbearable at times and it's,

Speaker 3 49:03

we are, we are still in it or not. We are absolutely not sitting here today. Like, I mean we talked about, I mean that's why I say so much in our,

Fallon 49:11

we don't ever graduate from the program.

Speaker 3 49:14

Oh no. We'll never graduate from the program. And that's another thing that my ego has had to had a rude awakening. Ego has always been like, I'll work hard for a certain amount of time and be healed and then I'm not doing this anymore. Right . But I've, I , I, that's not true. Like it's going to be my , my life. I'm going to be going to meetings my entire life. We're going to be going to marriage counseling our entire lives. You know what I mean? Hopefully, well not, hopefully it'll die down a lot as far as the amount we go. Yeah, that'd be like maintenance and not, not like we need counseling now, which has happened a lot. But I'll have to say even though we've only been married for six and a half years, so we have both been through a lot. We have both learned a tremendous amount in the time we have. And again, like we are still in it. It's not, we're not sitting here today, we're not sitting here today proclaiming that we've been through it and now we have it all together cause we don't see and we will absolutely do not. It has, I mean when I look back at three years ago even like it is an unbelievable difference in our marriage as individuals. Like it has been. It's easy sometimes, especially in the weeks that are really hard. The days that are really hard either for us individually at our programs addictions or as a married couple where we can be like, what are we even doing? Why are we even doing this? Like we have, we have, we have, we healed it all. Have we made any progress? What has all this been for? It's easy to forget, but then when we can step out of that and look back at three years ago, I mean, God forbid, six years ago when we got married, like the progress has been night and day. Yeah ,

Speaker 4 51:05

I was just going to say even like eight months ago, like there , it's like , um , it brings joy to my ears to hear our counselors say, guys like this is significant progress even from when you started with me eight months ago. That makes me so happy

Speaker 3 51:21

because it's so easy to forget. It's so easy to forget that. Yeah . You know, we were platform today, not only because, you know, especially in the times where it can feel impossible and feel like we're never going to get out of this. Um , because of the support from members in our program. Um, because we can look at members in our program who have been there, who have done it, who are still working , still working, but they, this, what we're going through for them was decades ago. Right. And they are an example of what it can become. And so we have that to hold on to . And also hat we go forward, trusting that God, that God has us in a way that sometimes God puts us, puts you through hell. He puts you through hell. He puts you through stuff to be able to come out the other side and to be able to lean on him. He doesn't put you through. I have to believe that he doesn't, he isn't putting us through this , um, you know, as, as a test per se, but as just a way to say, Hey, you have to let go of control. You have to let go of feeling like, you know, everything you have to surrender and you have then that's what I believe more so than a lot of what, you know. Um, Southern Baptist, the denomination I grew up in beliefs, the word surrender to mean for me it's a , it's a different meaning in the sense of much more personal sense, right? Like I have to surrender, I have to let go of my ego. I have to surrender control , um, and I have to lean on my higher power, which for me is God. Right ? And I have to lean on that. And I have to lean on others. So I have to lean on program members. I have to lean on other men and other people. Um, without that. Um, the more I fight that, the more I fight letting go of control and surrendering, the more control I, the more control I try to instill the further away from wholeness and growth and healing I get. Yeah. So anyways,

Speaker 4 53:30

I would just say, I mean to change that for me , um , personally theory, I agree to disagree. Um, I, for me, I don't think that God puts us through those things. I think that he allows it. That would be the verbiage for me, that's a better word. Like I think that he allows those things to happen so we are stripped down.

Speaker 3 53:51

Yeah .

Speaker 4 53:52

Really getting to the end. For me, it's getting to the end of myself to know that I need a power bigger than me, a God who's bigger than the circumstances, than addiction, than all, all the terrible things. And then I can move to a place of knowing that I need help and then surrendering to this power that's greater than me. And really, I mean, my belief is that like, that's where God's children and I'm God's child and he wants me not to , um, I doll assize relationships, which , um, I, I'm a codependent. Hi, I'm Fallon . Um, and yeah, to strip, I mean, that's a whole nother podcast episode, but to strip down these things that other self-esteem, like looking to others for validation, I mean for all the things. And anyways, just stripping that down and surrendering, getting to a place of surrender to him so I can let him in and trust and let go of

Speaker 7 55:08

[inaudible] .

Speaker 3 55:12

Turns out we have a lot to say about conflict and fighting and the marriage conflict and marriage conflict resolution and all those fun things. So we decided to split this podcast up into two parts. So this is the end of part one. Part two is coming at you next week on episode three of finding us the podcast. See other .